On January 8, 2024, I had the pleasure of appearing on the “Making it Awkward” podcast.  This podcast is hosted by Jessica Wilson, MS, RD, and Whitney Trotter, DNP.

Some of their past topics included: Feeling Aligned in Queer Fashion, BMI and Transcare, Things Got Awkward at the Trans Health Summit, The Research on BMI and Gender Affirming Care, Is Non-Binary Identity a 3^rd Gender Category, and other important topics. At first glance, the lens utilized by the hosts on these and other topics would be very different than mine. Or is it?

When asked to appear, I did not hesitate for a second.

And so, the day arrived. Right out of the gate, the questions were hard hitting. And yet, they were fair. Potentially sensitive issues, issues which many would consider awkward, were addressed.  

There is no doubt that on many issues, our views were very different… at times maybe even polar opposite. However, at all times, as we discussed these topics, there was a feeling of respect, of professionalism, of courtesy.

If asked back, I would agree in a heartbeat.

As I reflected back upon our interaction, perhaps I gained a bit of insight. And that is, on sensitive issues, issues and topics which have the potential to be incredibly awkward, perhaps respecting the person, of treating each other with courtesy, with respect, with civility is the best weapon to diffuse these awkward topics and issues. To turn awkward issues into issues upon which we can work together even if we maintain divergent points of view. That is a special gift.

So, Whitney and Jessica, thank you for that gift.

I look forward to future interactions with you both!

I am reminded of the old saying, “If an iaedp Symposium falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?”

Bonnie Harken a/k/a iaedp is in some ways, and unlike Jules in the movie Pulp Fiction, beset on all sides by the equities of the just and the goodness of those seeking integrity. However, Ms. Harken does not see that and instead is determined to bring to reality her belief that she will, “fight to the bitter end.”

In doing so, Ms. Harken bastardizes the maritime tradition summed up by the phrase, “A captain goes down with the ship.” What that statement really represents is a captain’s sworn duty to forego their own departure from the ship and in some instances, sacrificing their own life in order to try to save as many souls as possible on board. Saving lives. Placing others before you. Selflessness. It does not mean punching holes in the hull of your own ship/organization to speed along its demise.

The iaedp ship has hit the iceberg. So, let’s examine the evidence and information supporting this inevitability.

First, some of the “independent” corporate chapters of iaedp, each of which were organized by Ms. Harken and each of which has Ms. Harken as the Chair of their Board of Directors are beginning to see the handwriting on the wall and are quickly manning the lifeboats.

The St. Louis Chapter.

The New Haven Chapter.

The Los Angeles Chapter.

Purportedly, the Phoenix Chapter is in discussions to dissolve.

And finally, the Baltimore Chapter.

However, the Baltimore Chapter opted to issue a public statement. A statement eviscerating iaedp.  That statement is here:

These are not insignificant chapters. Ms. Harken and her co-defendants have the fiduciary duty to file the Articles of Dissolution. To date, that apparently has not been done.

There are other issues of grave concern indicating the Visigoths are at the gates of iaedp.

On December 17, 2023, a petition was started calling for the ouster of Ms. Harken and the certification process being removed from iaedp. To make it clear, I did not draft the petition. I did not edit it. I did not see it. I was not asked about the petition.  IF I had been asked, I would have counseled against the petition.

Since this was one week before Christmas, to presume anyone would read, let alone sign this petition was naïve.  That time of the year we are focused on our loved ones. Our families. Our children. To believe that people would spend time in studied contemplation of a seismic change in an eating disorder organization would simply not happen. And yet.

Here we are one month after the petition started and there are now ONE HUNDRED NINETY (190) signatures. Considering the size of iaedp (and its now shrinking nature) and the small size of the eating disorder community, this number of signatures is incredibly significant.

That petition can be found here:

https://www.change.org/p/remove-bonnie-harken-as-managing-director-of-iaedp-change-certification-policy-ae99d4fe-d465-478b-85f7-9c714397fb5e

These 190 people have flooded the lifeboats. Their voices are loud.

There also seems to be an overall lack of planning, vision and collaboration in the eating disorder community.

Ms. Harken and iaedp epitomize these qualities. This is evidenced by the timing of the 2024 Symposium. The 2024 Symposium takes place one week after the International Conference of Eating Disorders (ICED) hosted by the Academy for Eating Disorders (“AED”). ICED 2024 takes place in New York City. To believe that the brightest and best clinicians, medical and mental health practitioners can take two consecutive weeks away from their patients is not possible. And this year some of the most controversial topics will be discussed and explored at ICED.

Purportedly, sponsorships and registration for iaedp’s 2024 Symposium is dramatically down this year. If attendance remains historically low, this will have a dramatic financial impact on Ms. Harken.

Then, there is the pending litigation. Facts and information are crucially important when allegations of the type asserted in the lawsuit against iaedp and Ms. Harken are made. In order to provide facts and information to the “independent” corporate chapters, I have on a number of occasions, communicated in writing with most of the chapters. I sent to them the following:

1. Information on my background and advocacy;
2. Information showing that iaedp has never had a separate, independent audited financial statement prepared;
3. Information showing that Ms. Harken’s corporation, Crossroads Programs Inc. did not exist, and was being misrepresented on iaedp’s Form 990 tax filings as being in existence [This was admitted by Ms. Harken’s prior attorneys and on the latest Form 990, the corporate status of Crossroads has been removed];
4. Information showing that according to the California Secretary of State’s records, iaedp was not authorized to operate or solicit for charitable purposes in the State of California since February 15, 2019 [That has since been corrected];
5. Information showing that in the past, I had reached out to Ms. Harken asking her to provide resources that I could forward to Apple for their employees to have access when I gave a presentation to Apple’s employees;
6. Information emphasizing that the corporate chapters were not targets for litigation and I gave them resources for them to possibly obtain very low cost attorney’s assistance;
7. Information showing that the certification process may violate antitrust laws and information regarding the recent case in New Jersey;
8. Information about the “Remove Bonnie” petition including the link to the petition;
9. Illinois resources were given regarding how to dissolve a non-profit organization in Illinois.

This information was in writing and where possible, supported by documents or links to sites on the internet. I repeatedly emphasized that I was open for any questions and assured everyone they would be treated with professionalism and respect. Some people did contact me. Our communications were very cordial.

Until recently, my understanding is that instead of discussing these many concerns and issues with iaedp, Ms. Harken chose instead to attack the messenger. In the legal community, we have an old saying. “When you don’t have the facts, argue the law. When you don’t have the law, argue the facts. When you don’t have either, bang your shoe on the table and yell very loudly.” Iaedp is banging and yelling. The community deserves better than that.

There is the issue of where does the lawsuit go. The attorneys appointed by the Officers and Directors Insurance Company have signed “waivers of service” which means the defendants will file their first responses in federal court in the next few weeks. The first response will undoubtedly be a Rule 12(b)(6) Motion to Dismiss.

This motion requests the Court to dismiss the case at this very early stage and asserts that sufficient facts have not been set forth to support the pleadings. We are allowed to respond. The defendants will reply. And sometime later, the Court will decide.

Ms. Harken’s attorneys will file a Motion to Transfer the case to the district in which Ms. Harken lives. For the ease of all parties and because the parties and witnesses are spread throughout the United States, we believe it more economical for the case to remain in Texas. Again, the Court will decide this matter.

The Court may decide, “Dunn, you and your clients are loons. Case dismissed.” I respectfully submit that it is much more likely the case will not be dismissed at this stage. And when the case is not dismissed, the likelihood that certification will be taken from iaedp increases dramatically. And whatever is left of iaedp at that time, undoubtedly will do its Humpty Dumpty imitation.

Opportunities for resolution were presented to Ms. Harken before litigation was filed. They were not responded to.

Now, people in the community must ask themselves … who has the greater credibility?  The person who has been providing information, and facts, and documents (none of which has been publicly refuted by the other person) and has reached out and is open to questions and communications. Or the person who has not provided information and who instead has cast aspersions and who is insisting on absolute power and control?

This all should make any reasonable person wonder, where is iaedp’s Board of Directors? So many facts and issues have already been uncovered that one can presume any informed, involved Board of Directors would take notice and would have taken strong steps to thoroughly investigate and then take action in this matter. However, in standing with Ms. Harken, those people on the board need to understand that sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel is on oncoming freight train. And they too, could become, or are already, legitimate responsible parties.

Sometimes, the questions presented to us are very simple. And Occam’s Razor applies. Do you trust the person who repeatedly reaches out a helping hand to assist those in the water to get into a lifeboat? Or do you trust the person who is supposed to be the captain but instead, is only looking out for her own lifeboat?

It was the best of trees.

It was the worst of trees.

It was a tree of wisdom.

It was a tree of foolishness.

It was a tree of light.

It was a tree of darkness.

It was a tree of hope.

It was a tree of despair.

[Apologies to Charles Dickens for bastardizing “A Tale of Two Cities.”]

I was raised in a family where artificial Christmas trees were not a consideration. Each year, a “live tree” was brought into our house. [The irony of that term is not lost.] The scent of the tree quickly filled our tiny house. But it was much more than that. The tree elevated not just our sense of smell, but it brought joy, love and light to our other senses as well. Glorious Christmas was near. And at Christmas, anything was possible!

My 4 siblings and I would impatiently wait while my dad put the tree in the stand and then hung lights on it. Now, these lights were not the small, cheap, “Made in China” lights intended to last one year and then be thrown away. Oh no. They were large, colorful bulbs. Bulbs that would get hot ensuring that they would not stay on overnight. Bulbs to singe little fingers. You know, fire hazard bulbs.

That first glorious night, we would hang ornaments, both store bought and homemade on the tree. Being the 1960s, tinsel icicles would be the last items placed on the tree as mom constantly yelled out, “One at a time! Just hang one at a time!”

Nighttime was the best. The rest of the lights in the room turned off, the glow of the star on top of the tree, the bulbs smoldering on its branches, maybe Mitch Miller’s “Sing Along with Mitch Christmas Songs” album being played on the Magnavox. And all was right with the world.

As the years passed and the dreams and fantasies of childhood were left behind, our adult years came upon us. But still, the Christmas tree was eternal. It had to be real. It remained my symbol representing the endless possibilities of greater futures.

Little strangers a/k/a children came into our life. With ever growing numbers of friends and their Little Strangers, we would pile into first our cars, then onto full sized buses, and travel to Christmas tree farms to saw down our very own trees. The look of absolute wonder on our children’s faces were a time portal allowing us small glimpses into our past childhood. And for brief moments in time, we remembered.

Then, the ravages of time took its toll … work, divorce, misplaced priorities … all life lessons teaching us that life is not easy. And it is not meant to be.

And yet, the Christmas tree remained. Decorating the tree became “a thing” for Morgan and me. Each year we strung popcorn and cranberry strands. Even as her eating disorder began to ravage her bodily organs and take her away, the tree remained our last vestige of a childhood that was gone … for both of us.

And then, she was gone.

That first year, less than 2 months after Morgan was taken was gut wrenching. As for a Christmas tree? Forget it! Why go through that pain? But sometimes decisions are removed from your control. Surrounded by pushy siblings, nieces and nephews, a tree found its way into my place … and remained in my life. I still recall the hours which elapsed, tears on my face, looking at the tree. And questioning life.

For the first time, I felt that a Christmas tree was seemingly mocking me. What did I have to be thankful for, or hopeful about? And yet, the tree remained, calling me, trying to get me to remember … to not give up all hope.

A few years went by. And each year, a tree would go up. Now, make no mistake, a “live tree” is not easy. You must work it into the stand, tighten the screws, level it, remember to pour water into it, trim it. It drops needles. It is dirty and messy… and worth every second and every adversity. It helps you … feel. It helps you remember that there are far greater things than your own existence.

A few years ago, on the day I was going to pick up a young lady who was being checked into ERC the next day, just 2 hours before her flight arrived, the Christmas tree fell. Ornaments I deemed precious, shattered. I ranted about how it was NOT a Christmas tree, but it surely must be “Satan’s Shrub.” And then, a valuable life lesson was brought manifest. The only ornaments which broke were those purchased at stores. The precious ones hand made by my children… all survived. Precious memories. A truer message of Christmas, of love, of our children was brought to me.

This year’s version of the Christmas tree was … alarming. Not because of the work that went into it, but because of the incredible ease every step of the way.

We went to the local tree lot (Lowe’s), walked in and the very first tree we saw, was “it.” No bad side which would need to face the wall. Perfect height. It was full. It was perfect. We got it on top of the car with no issues. Brought it home. The stand fit it perfectly the first time. This tree stood tall and straight. After cutting off the netting, the branches settled into perfect harmony. I put on the lights with no issues at all. Ornaments adorned the tree. And then, I found a perfect “tree topper.” A beautiful, Victorian looking angel. Naturally, it fit precisely.

All was right with the world. Or so I thought.

The next morning when I went to check how much water the tree had taken in, I was surprised to see the stand still full of water. Although a bit concerned, I looked upon this as a temporary, small issue. After all, this was the perfect Christmas tree. But, as days went by and the only water leaving the stand was through evaporation, I felt the “perfect Christmas tree” drying out. And quickly at that. It remained presentable for a family and friend’s party.  But its days were quickly over. The “perfect Christmas tree,” the easiest one I had ever had, was anything but perfect.

With still almost two weeks before Christmas, this now fire hazard had to go. And so, it did.

But Christmas is before us. And to not have a tree on that sacred day was unthinkable. So … hi ho, hi ho, it’s back to the lot I go.

Not surprisingly, the only trees left were those that would have made Charlie Brown proud. I was standing on the island of misfit trees. Some beginning to brown on the edges. It was raining of course. I was the only customer there. I grabbed the least sad tree that I could find. A tree I normally would not have even considered for one second. As a last resort it had to be relatively acceptable even though scrawny. And so, this unwanted, red headed stepchild of a Christmas tree found its way home.

It is the smallest tree I have had in years. I put the lights on. Because of its size, far fewer than normal. Then the ornaments. Again, far fewer. The tree’s diminutive size would simply not allow it. And yet, somewhere along the way, just as it happened in a Charlie Brown Christmas, the tree began to transform.

Memories of Christmas tree farms, of the sweet innocence of children, the shouts of joy, the pure laughter from these soulful, little strangers, the sharing of the almost sacred ritual of decorating the tree with my daughter rose to the surface. Its scent was pure … and sublime.

And once again, another valuable lesson manifested. The Christmas tree which I had held so dear for all of these decades, was indeed merely a symbol, important yes, but just a symbol. Most importantly, it was the love surrounding the tree. The shared dear, precious time spent with loved ones. Spending time together.

This scrawny, Charlie Brown tree, overlooked by many, reminded me of the most precious times in which love, pure love, a love a parent has for his child embraces us. It is there to be held. To be cherished.

Fate, karma, or perhaps a little hand from beyond bestowed that gift upon me. Reminders of past feelings, of love, of a bond that even death cannot break. Those thoughts, those feelings came to me as I put the last few ornaments on.

I remembered. I felt that love. Tears on my face. And a Little One no longer here reminding me, of filling my heart.

What a Christmas gift.

As for the tree …

“Explain it to me like I’m a 6-year-old, because I just don’t get it …”

            Jury Foreman, the movie “Philadelphia”

We attorneys are frequently guilty of using overly prosaic words and legalese designed to confuse even Robert Oppenheimer or Albert Einstein. Perhaps it is a defense mechanism. Or ego. Or both.

Many people have heard of the recent lawsuit filed against iaedp and Ms. Bonnie Harken. Make no mistake, it is a very complex lawsuit involving class action allegations, antitrust allegations and racketeering allegations. Even younger, relatively inexperienced attorneys may have difficulty understanding the nuances of the lawsuit. So, I will endeavor to attempt to explain the lawsuit only with regard to certification.

First, it was only after all attempts to discuss and hopefully resolve troubling issues with iaedp were rebuffed by Ms. Harken that the lawsuit was filed.

The decision was not made easily. The terms offered to iaedp were designed to improve the corporate chapters, to increase their involvement and to take iaedp into the following decades with wisdom and vision. The only absolute required Ms. Harken to resign.

Ms. Harken chose to not respond.

And so, that left no alternative.

Defendants

The named defendants in the case are Bonnie Harken, her son, Matthew Harken, iaedp Foundation, Inc., Dena Cabrera, Ralph Carson and Joel Jahraus.

Ms. Cabrera, and Drs. Carson and Jahraus are not involved in the allegations and issues regarding certification so their involvement in the lawsuit will not be addressed in this article.

And so, that leads us to the specific claims made regarding certification.

Claims regarding Certification

FIRST, UNDERSTAND THAT WE ARE NOT ATTACKING THE SUBSTANCE OF IAEDP CERTIFICATION.  Nor do we want it to go away. That is beyond what this lawsuit is about.

Claims involving certification are based on the fact that certification is tied into mandatory membership in iaedp and attendance at 1 out of every 4 symposiums is required. Because iaedp certification is the only recognized eating disorder certification, we believe tying it to on-going membership and attending a symposium violates anti-trust laws.

Since membership fees and symposium fees are not reasonably related nor an integral part of iaedp certification, the mandatory inclusion of same is merely to increase the coffers of iaedp and enrichen its managing director.

iaedp has exclusive market power, a 100% monopoly, in the eating disorder Board Certification Market, as there are no substitutes for eating disorder board certification available to eating disorder specialists.

By conditioning iaedp certification on continuous membership in iaedp and the cost of iaedp’s annual membership dues, as well as mandatory in person attendance at a symposium, we believe iaedp violated the antitrust laws.

As recently as 2022,Ms. Harken had actual knowledge that this tying arrangement may run afoul of antitrust laws.   Ms. Harken had actual knowledge of the case, Talone, et. al. v. The American Osteopathic Association, Case No. 1:16-cv-04644 (D. N.J. Jun. 12, 2017) and the issues involving unlawfully tying association membership with board certification. However, Ms. Harken dismissed any concerns by attempting to justify that since the costs for association membership and certification had allegedly not increased, she could link the two.

It is interesting that in the December 5, 2023 iaedp newsletter, iaedp spends a considerable amount of time discussing the substance of certification. However, not once does iaedp address the tying arrangement aspect nor the fact that Ms. Harken had actual knowledge of a lawsuit in which a similar tying arrangement resulted in a settlement in which that certification was stripped from the organization and members were entitled to reimbursement for fees paid.

And we can’t help but wonder why? Why was this information not given to iaedp members?

Iaedp and Ms. Harken were correct in stating “allegations do not constitute facts.” Those facts will come out in Court. But, as therapists, as medical and mental health providers, you are burdened with an awful, a difficult, a herculean task. And that is, families are relying on you to try to help them save the lives of their loved ones.  Is there a bigger burden?

You deserve all relevant and material information to help you undertake this burden. Anything else and you are being betrayed.

The other issues in the lawsuit are incredibly more complex. And may be addressed in another explanatory article.

But for now, I strongly believe that most people’s goals and aspirations are the same as ours. We want the certification process to be better, stronger, forward thinking, open, transparent and to reflect the needs of professionals.

Our families deserve nothing else.

In the holiday movie classic, “It’s a Wonderful Life,” we are given glimpses into the life of a seemingly simple man, George Bailey. When we look closely at the George Bailey character, we see a man who is desperately trying to dictate his future and establish his own legacy. He is going to attend college, obtain his degree, then be instrumental in building big cities. He will turn his back on his bucolic little town, Bedford Falls and will be a world traveler. He will be wealthy … and he will be admired.

And yet, George Bailey failed at all of these goals and ambitions. He failed miserably. And yet, in that failure in that seething desperation, came triumph, came the richness of life, came the true legacy that life had in store for him.

Failure. Triumph. Legacy. Those concepts can provide joy. Or an improper or incorrect focus on them can provide tragedy.

Yesterday, on behalf of eating disorder professionals, I filed a lawsuit naming iaedp, Bonnie Harken and other individuals as defendants. It is a class action lawsuit alleging violations of the antitrust laws for the manner in which the iaedp certification program is operated. It also alleges violations of racketeering statutes.

Before filing this lawsuit, an honorable resolution was offered. A resolution which could have strengthened the local corporate chapters, which could have provided seed capital to those chapters, which would have empowered those chapters, and which would have brought greater collaboration amongst iaedp members and those chapters.

This offer did not receive the courtesy of a response.  Perhaps because the offer included a requirement that Ms. Harken would have to step down.

And so, we find ourselves in litigation. With possible investigations to be conducted by state agencies in the near future.

I shake my head wondering how this community got so far away from what it should be. How did the community become a war zone for tired, self-loathing, hurting people? Or people who parade their extremist political and social views in public at the expense of families and our loved ones who suffer from eating disorders. When did suffering families become secondary?

How did we get to a place where an individual’s hubris kidnaps their very identity, their very existence, and merges it with the organization they try to lead. Until that person believes they and the organization are one and the same. They lead through fear and intimidation. They trust no one.

And they fear.

They fear that they will be discovered.

What a burden that surely must be. Wondering every day whether today will be the day that questionable conduct could be exposed. And wondering still what else they, themselves missed and if that too will be exposed. To live with that uncertainty. With that fear.

As we age and we perceive the twilight of our existence is at hand, many of us concern ourselves about legacy. What ours may be. For that matter, will we even have a legacy to speak of?

How will we be remembered? Will we be remembered at all? Have we made a positive impact in this world? Is our world a better place when we depart than what it was when we came into this existence?

Questions which confound many. Questions which many people believe must be answered before they pass. By people who believe they can shape their own legacy. By people who do not understand that our legacies are dictated by the future. By the George Baileys of the world. They do not understand that they only need to be an authentic person. History will make its own judgments.

For some, a day of reckoning has arrived. Reckoning which may very well dictate legacies. Legacies of hope and triumph. Or legacies of despair.

Who are your heroes?

For that matter, what is a hero?

In our “Instant Gratification Internet Generation” society, the bar as to what constitutes a “hero” is set at a level lower than the lowest bar in a Limbo Dancing Contest.

So again, what constitutes a hero?

Many apply the word to their sports idols. Especially if that sports idol is seen in the presence of an incredibly average singer who has a brilliant PR and marketing department behind her. If you can score 40 points in a basketball game, or throw for 400 yards in a football game or be the winning pitcher for a ragtag baseball franchise as it wins its first “World Serious” championship, you are a hero.

Some perhaps more enlightened people look upon police officers, firefighters and military personnel as heroes. That certainly hits much closer to the mark. We admire people who place themselves in harm’s way for the sake and safety of others.

And then, there are true heroes.

Men and women who toil in anonymity, going about life with humility, being their authentic selves, unaware that their very existence brings inspiration and hope to others.

This past month, for four (4) days, I had the privilege of being in the presence of a “true hero.”

For about the last eighteen (18) months, my son Hanford and his wife, Rebeca had been planning a trip to Disney World in Orlando for the entire family. Make no mistake, I am more of a lounge on the beach in St. Maarten guy. But when family calls, you immediately answer the call.

One of the pieces of advice my son took to heart was, “With regard to marriage, always marry up! Never down … Always up.”

Rebeca is from a traditional Mexican family. She is the oldest of three children, all daughters.

Understanding that education is the silver bullet, being bilingual and pushing academic excellence was the standard in Rebeca’s family. This no doubt led to her being valedictorian of her high school class, scholarship offers from many universities and unsolicited requests to apply to Ivy League schools. She obtained her degree from Baylor University in four (4) years, followed by an MS degree and then obtained her CPA. Her work at Southwest Airlines is being recognized for its brilliance as she ascends the corporate ladder.

And all the while, she is an incredible wife and mother to one of my little “grandbabies with rabies,” Riley.

Her youngest sibling, Natalia lives in Waco with her husband, Hector. She is a Radiologic Technologist. I cannot think of a time when I have not seen Natalia with a smile on her face. She is a very involved aunt and when the time is right, will undoubtedly be an incredible mom.

The third sister, “Sally” is in her late 20s.  Like her sisters, she is bilingual, smart and so observant of life. She also has spina bifida. She is in a wheelchair. Despite the cruel obstacles and hardships life imposed upon her, more often than not, Sally wears a smile, laughs easily and just by looking at her Facebook page, is loved by so many.

Norma, the mother of these young women is obviously incredible. A quiet fighter in her own right. Just a few days before the wedding of Rebeca and my son, Norma’s mother passed away. She handled this tragedy with strength, with resolve … yes, with understandable sadness but with grace.

Those four days at Disney World were shared with Rebeca, her immediate family and extended family who resides in Monterrey, Mexico. We were surrounded by Disney created “heroes.” Star Wars heroes. Animated heroes. Children of all ages would point in wonder, would stare with a look of awe on their faces. These fictional characters brought such joy to their lives! And all the while, they were unaware of a true hero in their midst.

The father, the daddy, of Rebeca and her sisters, the husband of Norma is Rafael. Rafael is a welder by trade. Spanish is his primary language. Yes, he speaks more English than I speak Spanish, but he struggles with English and yet, no matter the difficulties, he conveys his message.

Those days in Disney, we walked an average of about 10 miles every day. Every step of the way, he was behind Sally in her chair, making sure that she too would experience the wonder and excitement we all felt. Helping her in and out of rides. Attentive to her every need. While at the same time, sharing his time and emotions with all of us.

Yes, late in the afternoons/early evenings, hunger or fatigue set in.  And yet, Rafe handled all difficulties, both perceived and real, with no complaints, no outward display of angst.

As our vacation trip continued, I saw this man’s demeanor remain constant and strong. Laughing with us, his eyes wide open, but always aware of his family, of Sally. And even though I intellectually knew this before, I saw in action over an extended period of time, the reality that this incredible man, this selfless man, always placed his family, the needs of his children first and foremost. Without complaint. I saw it was inherent in his nature. In his soul.

I knew I was in the presence of a true hero. And what a gift he had bestowed upon me.

On our last day, the last night, I was sitting next to him. Sally and her mom had gone for a “bio break.” And there we were. The reality of who he is overwhelmed me. I was intimidated by the grace of this man. I so wanted to tell him. And yet, the words would not come. I began to tear up. Could I convey to him the gift he had given to me and convey it in a way that he would understand how important it was to me? The words caught in my throat. And then, the moment was over as others joined us.

On our second day in the Magic Kingdom, the article on Terminal Anorexia was published in the Washington Post. It included some substantive quotes and information from me and included photos of my daughter and me. National news! From a news source with a significant following! Now this was going to be important! How wrong I was … how foolish.

As I saw Rafe every day continue to place the happiness and needs of his family over himself, I saw in action, that the measure of a person isn’t dictated by stories in a news source. It isn’t about your own accolades. It is about the selfless, every day works of a humble hero. From people who would never think about using the word “hero” to describe themselves.

Years ago at Thanksgiving, I started a tradition in my family where after we dine, we sit around the table and briefly say what we are thankful for. This year, for me, it will be easy. My eyes have been opened.

Rafe, you are my hero. You are the father, the daddy, the pappa, I aspire to be. Your quiet grace. Your dignity. Your humor. Your strength.

You are a hero.

“Ultimate excellence lies not in winning every battle, but in defeating the enemy without ever fighting.” ― Sun-Tzu, The Art of War

The Art of War was written in the 5^th Century B.C. by a legendary figure, General Sun Tzu. Composed during the tumultuous Warring States period of China, it was the first book of its kind, totally dedicated to the study of warfare.

In some business schools today, it is still required reading. That is because this scroll is not just a blueprint on tactics in warfare, but it speaks to leadership qualities and assessing strengths and weaknesses in organizations, businesses and people in general.

With regard to leadership qualities, authoritative English translations indicate one of Sun Tzu’s philosophies was:

There are five dangerous faults which may affect a general:

(1) Recklessness, which leads to destruction;

(2) cowardice, which leads to capture;

(3) a hasty temper, which can be provoked by insults;

(4) a delicacy of honor which is sensitive to shame;

(5) over-solicitude for his men, which exposes him to worry and trouble.

Even one of those qualities can be devastating not just for that leader but for her organization.  A combination of more than one of those qualities assures failure.

One of the most devastating flaws a “leader” can possess is equating themselves and the organization as being one and the same. This type of “leader” rules from a place of intimidation and fear. They trust no one. Suspicion and insecurity are the hallmarks of their decision making. Fact based, intelligent criticism of the organization is regarded as a personal slight and insult. That type of organization embraces the ego and selfishness and shrinks from humility and public service. The removal of that “leader” often results in the organization failing.

Which brings us to the international association of eating disorders professional foundation, inc. (“iaedp”) and its “leader” Bonnie Harken.

In late August, I reached out to Ms. Harken and iaedp setting forth troubling concerns about iaedp and the iaedp chapters. As part of that correspondence, I stated,

“In fact, I have been strongly encouraged to attempt resolution quietly and confidentially with you and iaedp. I have reached out in good faith.

I welcome an open discussion with you in which we attempt to correct any misconceptions and right all wrongs. I also believe this can best be accomplished by bringing in a few third parties to work together collaboratively.”

That discussion never happened.

I believe Ms. Harken stated that she, “would fight until the end!” I will always wonder if Ms. Harken ever asked the more important questions, “What is in the best interests of iaedp?” and “What is in the best interests of the families suffering from eating disorders?”

In the past two months, I attempted to keep the individual chapters apprised of the communications. I advised them how they could retain attorneys inexpensively. I sent information to them addressing the inconsistencies I had found. I stated that I was available for a discussion with them at any time. I stated that in my opinion, the individual chapters did not have liability and that I was not looking at them.

Now, some of the individual chapters are exploring dissolving. Some of the individual chapters, like the Orange County Chapter, the Los Angeles Chapter, the San Francisco Chapter, the SoCal Chapter cannot dissolve. This is because, according to the California Attorney General they are not properly registered in California and as such, are not authorized to conduct business in that State.

Those chapters’ board of directors was required to make sure all legal requirements were complied with when registering in California. They were not. Ms. Harken leads each of those boards of directors (as well as all other iaedp corporate chapters)

We made one last attempt at resolution before litigation being filed, including sending a copy of the complaint to Ms. Harken’s and iaedp’s attorneys. This communication was met with stony silence. The time for a response has lapsed. And so, to litigation we will proceed. As surely we must. As well as complaints to state and federal taxing authorities.

General Sun Tzu believed that when you have your foe surrounded and their defeat is inevitable, you should offer that foe an honorable exit.

In this matter, a road to redemption was offered. And was not accepted.

The consequences for that lack of vision will inevitably lead to a conclusion Ms. Harken and iaedp cannot or will not foresee.

More’s the pity.