The eating disorder community does not have an oversight agency, is without any type of dire consequences for reprehensible conduct and is without ramifications for bad faith behavior for those who exploit our loved ones for the sake of making a profit. There is no organization which has had the means nor will power to stop bad actors.

Organizations with a checkered history, for those who hurt people entrusted to their care have found ways to protect themself.

They start by simply changing their name. They can file a fictitious name certificate, change all internet references about their old name and substitute their new, slick fictitious name. They can market that they are a brand-new company. And all the while, they remain the same. They fool most of the people most of the time.

After all, who is going to check on things in the eating disorder community? The saying, “If a lie is printed often enough, it becomes a quasi-truth, and if this “truth” is repeated often enough, it becomes an article of belief, a dogma, and men will die for it.” has been in existence for thousands of years (although most recently attributed to Joseph Goebbels, the propaganda minister for the Third Reich.)

Without consequences, bad actors do not have to conduct thorough background checks on prospective employees. They can pay a low hourly rate to employees who have the most interaction with patients, employees they refer to as “their MVPs.” [Shouldn’t that really be “MVE,” Most Valuable Employees?]

They can become an organizational cesspool attracting reprobates and predators. They can invent any treatment protocol they desire. They can invent new names for their employees (We made up our corporate name … let’s just make up job titles too. Who needs Direct Care Staff when they can be called … Behavioral Health Technicians!)  They can concoct efficacy numbers which would be cartoonishly embarrassing if they didn’t also contribute to deception.

They can do all of this without fear of reprisal. And why? Because there are no consequences. There are no ramifications. There is no oversight. There is no governing board, person or agency who can or will impose draconian measures to keep in check bad faith conduct.

Enough … Enough.

In the past month, three courageous yet frightened patients entrusted to the care of Castlewood, patients who were “allegedly” abused and betrayed by Castlewood, have become the faces, the public voices in three separate lawsuits filed in federal court against Castlewood Treatment Center d/b/a Alsana. Yes, Castlewood. That Castlewood. The Castlewood which never went away. The same Castlewood which was, and still is using Alsana merely as a pasteboard mask. There are other lawsuits against Castlewood which are waiting in the wings, undoubtedly, to be filed.

The same Castlewood which, in an article appearing in the St. Louis Dispatch on February 1, 2022, contains the following, “In a statement, Alsana CEO Gayle Devin called Doe’s lawyer, Steven R. Dunn, “a well-known critic of Alsana and the eating disorder treatment industry generally.” She further stated, “We will aggressively defend ourselves against these baseless claims in court.”

Ms. Devin also stated, “We take seriously allegations of misconduct by our staff, and as we made clear – in the context of a completely unrelated matter last week – we are prepared to thoroughly investigate those claims when they arise,” Devin said, referring to a statement last week, in which she said new admissions were being halted at two residential programs and one outpatient program. That statement said the decision was triggered by allegations that “employees may have been involved in inappropriate conduct involving a client receiving outpatient care at our St. Louis program.” [emphasis added]

Ms. Devin, you are to be commended for “thoroughly investigating” claims after your patients have already been hurt. But here is an idea which may seem novel … implement a thorough vetting process doing a complete background check on prospective employees before they become employees. Better yet, have an outside third party do the pre-employment investigation, drug screening and have a hand in the employment process. In that way, those steps significantly lessen the likelihood of having any more patients be harmed.

On March 1, 2022, Ms. Devin issued another statement. This statement is hard to find. Apparently, it was only sent to Alsana’s “partners.” Those entities which potentially refer patients to them. So, why wasn’t it sent out to the public? Why wasn’t it extensively shared on social media?

If a person looks for it on Alsana’s website? No, nothing to see there, move along, move along. When a person looks at Alsana’s LinkedIn page, no nothing to see there either, move along, move along. [But at about the same time Ms. Devin’s email blast was going out to Alsana’s partners, Alsana’s LinkedIn page posted an article about Channing Tatum saying his Magic Mike body was not a healthy body!] Channing! Say it ain’t so!

So, let’s allow the public to read Ms. Devin’s statement:

In evaluating Ms. Devin’s statement, if a “thorough investigation” had been done, in less than one month, Castlewood would have done the following:

1. Identify all possible issues;
2. Retain a law firm;
3. Have that law firm draft a Request for Proposal (“RFP”) to identify the issues to be researched;
4. Accept responses to that RFP;
5. Choose the organization best suited to this investigation;
6. Negotiate with them and their cost for this exhaustive investigation;
7.  Have that “independent quality consultant” assign employees to this project;
8. Extensively review Castlewood’s long, sordid history;
9. Interview all employees and former employees;
10. Interview current and former patients (Oh… that’s right, you call them “clients” … it makes them seem less in need of care and more like corporate commodities), especially those patients who had been victimized;
11. Review the lawsuits which had been filed during this time and do a thorough investigation into the allegations, review documented evidence and speak with all attorney’s involved;
12. Conduct due diligence into safety and security measures implemented at other eating disorder treatment centers;
13. Conduct an exhaustive study of past surveys and research projects undertaken by AED, iaedp and other organizations;
14. Formulate the price tag for implementing changes;
15. Request and review bids from various third parties to perform the work to be done;
16. Implement the wholesale changes recommended by this independent consultant, which implementation would undoubtedly require construction work and remodeling at the St. Louis facility;
17. Fix the broken-down septic system in St. Louis so that new patients do not have the pungent aroma of fecal matter greeting them when they first arrive in St. Louis;
18. Then, implement these same studies at all the Castlewood facilities.

And to think that undoubtedly, this “thorough investigation” was done in the span of one month. And the important findings from “thorough investigation” were:

“While that review resulted in very positive feedback, there is always room for improvement, and Alsana is in the process of acting based on specific recommendations that came out of that review process. We are implementing clinical and safety program enhancements in our St. Louis program intended to reinforce company policies, including supplemental training for all Alsana program teams in St. Louis, and plan to expand these clinical and safety program enhancements to all program sites nationwide in the coming months.”

Of course, no one knows what deficiencies were found because well, there is no transparency about that. And no one knows what specific “enhancements” are allegedly being implemented because well, there is no transparency about that either. Has Castlewood filed any complaints with any administrative agencies regarding those offending employees? We do not know.

We do know that even before Castlewood has completed its implementation of these alleged new changes, they are going to start accepting patients … err, clients again on March 2, 2022! YAY! Those private equity owners are not going to wait forever for the money spigot to be turned back on. Nothing to see here, move along, move along.

All of that coming from the same CEO who regarding the lawsuits, in the span of less than 24 hours, “thoroughly investigated” and reviewed all documents and evidence, interviewed former employees and patients, and then in compassionate support for her former patients, stated in the press that these were “… baseless claims in court.” Baseless claims which resulted in Castlewood firing how many employees? 4? 5? 6? More? Oh… that’s right. Castlewood has not been transparent about that either. Which brings up the seminal questions, “Ms. Devin, if the claims are baseless, why did you fire those employees?” If the claims are baseless, why the need for this exhaustive study and alleged changes to the program?

Tthe exact same expression, “baseless claims” was once utilized by one of Ms. Devin’s infamous predecessors, the now disgraced former CEO of Castlewood, Mark Schwartz. [As an aside, perhaps the apple didn’t fall far from the tree.] Certainly, Ms. Devin is to be applauded for being able to conduct her “thorough investigation” in less than one day and then label in the press as “baseless,” litigation instituted by her former patients who were so harmed by her employees, employees who were fired. And yet employees Ms. Devin and Castlewood are now required to stand behind and support.

Ms. Devin’s message was trumpeted loudly and clearly. And that is, “If you are a patient at Castlewood, and you are hurt by an employee and then seek compensation for your injuries, we will not only turn our back on you, but we will attack you in the media. Who cares if we cause your condition to worsen? How dare you come after us and our profit margin?

We have a name for people like that Ms. Devin … they are called bullies.

And bullies are only allowed to thrive in communities which have no consequences, ramifications or accountability. Bullies are only allowed to thrive in communities where there are no people of uncommon courage, strength, and resolve. People who remain victims. But, regarding the eating disorder community, that is no longer the case. I am not speaking about the legal system. Although the legal system can and will impose consequences where needed. I am instead referring to those incredible young women who are standing up to be counted. Heroes all.

So, Ms. Devin, as Castlewood opens its arms to welcome new patients … I mean clients, on March 2, 2022, there are a few, absolute truths of which you should be aware.

First, you are the face of those employees you fired because of the harm they caused to those young souls entrusted to your care.

You are the face of the company whose primary purpose is to make a profit at any and all costs.

You are the face of the company that cannot even be truthful about its own name.

You are the face of the company which “allegedly” hurt a number of young souls entrusted to your care.

As for me being a well-known critic of the eating disorder industry, perhaps so, but more importantly, I am merely a conduit, a means, through which young women, struggling and in such pain, are finding … renewed hope at life.

Young women who have been so hurt.

Young women who dare to stand up and be counted.

Young women who dare to say, “No more. No longer will I stand idly by and let others be hurt.”

Young women who have found or are finding their incredible voices.

Young women filled with renewed strength, with resolve, with love, with hope for the future.

Young women who have already won.

No matter what lies ahead.

The eating disorder community is strident in its universal opposition to weight loss companies, the “toxic diet industry,” and any and all other vestiges of the health and wellness industry. That position is an absolute and has existed for over a decade.

In 2012, women in the United Kingdom, negatively impacted by weight loss programs sold by diet companies organized a demonstration outside Parliament to, “… hit back at the multimillion-pound industry for “wreaking havoc with appetites and lives while it builds huge profits”. That protest had been organized to coincide with representatives of the diet industry giving evidence to an all party parliamentary group inquiry into the causes and consequences of body image anxiety. Persons attending the protest brought diet plans, slimming magazines, calorie counters or anything else associated with dieting and “ditched them in hazardous waste bins at the heart of the demonstration.”

In 2012, when the CEO of Jenny Craig was invited to give a keynote speech at a large conference in Australia, over 145 international health experts signed an open letter calling for the CEO of Jenny Craig to be removed as keynote speaker. The Academy for Eating Disorders (AED), and the National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA) both made public statements calling for Jenny Craig’s CEO to be removed.

In 2013, NEDA released information demonstrating that changing eating and exercise behaviors can lead to disordered eating. In fact, NEDA estimated that 35% of dieting becomes obsessive and 20 – 25% of those diets turn into eating disorders.

Some health resources link chronic dieting to heart disease and other physical ailments. Some studies show that those people who experiment with dieting are five times more likely to develop an eating disorder. These resources estimate that those who practice restrictive eating are 18 times more likely to develop an eating disorder.

In 2019, more than 111,000 people signed a Change.org petition asking for the removal of the Kurbo app. Hundreds of protesters gathered outside WW headquarters in New York to deliver the petition.

Many of the eating disorder residential treatment centers also issued strongly worded statements opposing diet culture and the diet industry.

Castlewood Treatment Center/Alsana stated:

“Diet culture is a thief of health, life, and joy that lives in comparison, not truth; it is a food and body belief system that has saturated western society. It leads to food-distrust, body-distrust, body marginalization, and oppression.

We push back against the $73 billion diet industry that profits off peoples’ desire for weight-equating health, belonging, and acceptance while selling something inherently defective and harmful.

These hurtful assumptions and oppression lead to poor mental health, shame, increased insecurity, potential eating disorders, depression, and anxiety.

At “Alsana,” we fight against weight stigma by celebrating body diversity and, through structure and intuitive eating principle work, offer a pathway towards the internal body and food trust.

We celebrate body diversity. We believe all bodies are good bodies, independent of size, shape, gender, physical ability, race, age, et cetera. We strive to ensure a body-inclusive, body-celebrated environment through our language, shared spaces, and relational approach to body discussions.

Diet culture has compromised one of our most sacred relationships: the one we have with ourselves. Many of us have lost trust in our bodies, and our ability to make mindful, nourishing (mentally and physically) food choices. Being bombarded with mal-adaptive, external systems of food rules and perpetuates this distrust, and we must push back to find peace.

Diet culture is designed to ensnare.”

This incredibly strong viewpoint expressed by Castlewood Treatment Center/Alsana is direct, uncompromising and to the point.

But imagine, if you will, that that strong statement issued by the Castlewood Treatment Center/Alsana was a façade, was merely just another mask to hide an insidious money-making scheme.

We know that “Alsana” is merely a fictitious name. Riverside, the parent company of, and through, Castlewood Treatment Center, LLC owns all rights to that fictitious name.

We also know that Castlewood Treatment Center, LLC is owned by The Riverside Partners, LLC a private equity firm. Riverside pours money into Castlewood and expects a reasonable rate of return. As such, this surely means that Riverside stands behind “Alsana’s” position on diet culture since it owns Castlewood/Alsana. But, what if Riverside, the entity which owns Castlewood/Alsana not only did not support opposition to the toxic diet culture, but owned an aspect of the weight loss industry?

What if Riverside profited from the weight loss industry by owning, and receiving profits from a diet, weight loss or health and wellness company?

Wouldn’t that necessarily mean that Riverside, the owner of Castlewood/Alsana, not only makes a profit from people suffering from eating disorders but it also makes a profit from an industry contributing to the proliferation of eating disorders?

Wouldn’t that also necessarily mean that Riverside could be contributing to increasing the patient population at the eating disorder facilities owned by Riverside? So, hypothetically, Riverside has covered its bases on both ends by creating a revolving door of patients, treatment, recidivism … patients, treatment, recidivism … ad infinitum.

The Reality

On May 21, 2019, Riverside announced it acquired an entity known as “Naturally Slim” based out of Dallas, Texas. “Naturally Slim” is a leading digital weight loss platform focused on helping participants reduce Metabolic Syndrome, lose weight and lead healthier lives. Riverside Managing Partner Suzy Kriscunas stated, “Weight gain has become a nation-wide epidemic, affecting more than 70% of adults. Naturally Slim’s services not only assist in weight loss, but also reduce the factors that contribute to high-risk diseases.”

Riverside Partner Steve Burns stated, “During our investment, we plan to expand Naturally Slim’s customer base, payor network and product capabilities, …” [emphasis added]

In order to better market “Naturally Slim,” Riverside changed “Naturally Slim’s” name to … Wondr Health. On Wondr Health’s website, it states, “Expect the Naturally Slim you know and love with a renewed vision and recommitment to our mission. And clinically proven results remain the core of our program, as they have been for the past 15+ years. 

A Director at Wondr Health disclosed its true intention, “This is a turnkey program that is easy to implement. The ROI [Return of Investment] is well worth the investment.” [emphasis added]

Prior thereto, on August 5, 2008, The Riverside Company acquired Results Weight Loss.  Results Weight Loss provides various weight loss plans. Riverside sold Results Weight Loss in 2011.

To yet be fair, how do we know that Riverside is directly involved in the operations of the Castlewood/Alsana entities?

First, Riverside incorporated an entity known as “Castlewood West, LLC” in California. That was done so that Riverside could operate the five (5) La Ventana Treatment Centers Riverside acquired.  In a contract between Castlewood West and the County of Alameda, Castlewood West represents that, “Castlewood West, LLC … provide(s) intensive outpatient treatment (IOT), partial hospitalization (PHP), and residential treatment specifically tailored to the needs of adolescents and adults with serious eating disorders (EDs). Clients referred to Castlewood West will be placed in their residential treatment center located in Pacific Grove, CA.”  

The members [owners] of Castlewood West are disclosed in corporate documents filed with the California Secretary of State. The members of California West are:

Name	Designation	Company
John McKernan	Partner	Riverside
Loren Schalchet	Managing Partner	Riverside
Jennifer Steiner	CEO (Former)	Lightfully Behavioral
Robyn Walsh	President	Riverside
Peter Zucker	Board Member Exec. Chair of Board	Riverside

The only person listed who is not an employee or former employee of Riverside is Jennifer Clute Steiner (Castlewood’s past CEO).

So, we are left with 5 persons, none of whom are medical doctors, 4 of whom are employed by Riverside overseeing the providing of eating disorder care and treatment.

Which leaves us with two very simple mathematical equations which both lead to the same outcome:

Riverside + Castlewood/Alsana + eating disorders = RIVERSIDE PROFIT

Riverside + Naturally Slim/Wondr Health + weight loss industry = RIVERSIDE PROFIT

Imagine, Riverside has created a world in which eating disorders and the diet industry can walk hand in hand to collaborate, to achieve a common purpose, a common goal … and that is, the manifestation of greater profits for Riverside. Kumbaya My Lord!

I have not said, and will not say, “Do not go to Castlewood/Alsana.” That would be inappropriate. Parents and people need to do their own research but deserve all facts, information, transparent truthful information to enable them to make the best, potentially life-saving decision possible.

I can however say, with apologies to Zuzu, the daughter of George Bailey in the iconic film, “It’s a Wonderful Life,” “Look Daddy, teacher says, every time a person goes to Castlewood, an Angel loses its wings.”

We entrust the lives of our loved ones to eating disorder treatment centers. Sometimes children as young as 7 years old. Parents living with their greatest fear … that their child will be taken. And so, we entrust those treatment centers with our heart, our soul, our reason for living. Accordingly, we are certainly entitled to demand complete transparency from them.

We are entitled to demand that our loved ones will always be protected.

We are entitled to demand that our loved ones will receive the best medical and mental health care possible.

We are entitled to demand that treatment centers will thoroughly vet prospective employees and conduct exhaustive due diligence investigating their background.

We are entitled to demand that treatment centers will thoroughly train their employees to provide evidence-based treatment with a level of care that is equal to or exceeds the generally accepted standards of care.

We are entitled to demand that treatment centers will thoroughly oversee and supervise their employees.

We are entitled to demand that treatment centers will provide a professional, safe environment where our loved ones will be free from unscrupulous, dishonest, unethical employees.

In fact, courts have held that treatment centers and their employees have the highest fiduciary duty to those entrusted to their care. They must exercise the highest degree of care for the safety of their patients. Therapists employed by treatment centers occupy a special place of trust and confidence and owe to their patients and their families, the highest fiduciary duty and a place of trust and confidence.

We are entitled to demand transparency from treatment centers in every possible way, from something as simple as their name to the complexities of their treatment protocols.

But what if that trust is betrayed? What should the consequences be? What should the ramifications be when a treatment center fails us? When a treatment center betrays us?

Last week, Gayle Devin, the Chief Executive Officer of “Alsana” issued a press release which disclosed alarming information. The release stated in part, “We recently learned that Alsana direct care employees might have been involved in inappropriate conduct involving a client receiving outpatient care at our St. Louis program. [emphasis added] Based on our initial review, the allegations involve significant violations of company policy, and we have taken immediate action, including terminating employees and removing employees who remain under investigation from any client setting.”

Later, Ms. Devin states, “As part of that commitment, we are temporarily halting new client admissions to two of our residential and outpatient programs in St. Louis as we continue to investigate these allegations.”

And yet, when the press release is carefully read, additional concerns appear.  First, Ms. Devin states, “… inappropriate conduct involving a client receiving outpatient care at our St. Louis program …” [emphasis added]. The singular word, “client” is used implying that only one patient was involved.

However, we know for a fact, that that statement is inaccurate.  There are a number of patients who were impacted. There are a number of employees who were involved. So, why attempt to make us believe that only one patient was involved? And since when did a person suffering from the mental illness with the second highest mortality rate change from being a patient … to becoming a “client?”

In addition, Ms. Devin’s statement would have us believe that only the outpatient care program was involved. So, if that was the case, why would it be necessary to halt new admissions into the residential programs? If the inappropriate conduct was limited to one patient in the IOP program, why were multiple employees involved and why are two of their programs temporarily not accepting new admissions. For that matter, can we believe that “Alsana” discovered and effectively dealt with all questionable employees? Can we believe that the patients who are left are truly safe?

Further, where is the next press release disclosing what other steps they have taken since last week? Have the families of all of the remaining patients been informed? What safety measures have been taken to insure the safety of the remaining patients?

Even still, why should we believe anything at this point? Especially since “Alsana” cannot even be transparent about their own name and existence.

Many people believe that “Alsana” grew out of the demise of the disgraced, Castlewood Treatment Center. A demise precipitated by lawsuits and horrific allegations alleged against Castlewood. In fact, on “Alsana’s” website, if you click on the “blog section,” you will see articles written about “Alsana” going as far back as 2012. “Alsana” makes additional representations that its existence goes back as far as 2002.

“Alsana” has attempted to position itself as a separate entity going back as far as 2002 and that it has nothing to do with the issues and problems which previously plagued Castlewood.

And yet, nothing could be further from the truth.

“Alsana” is not a corporation at all.

“Alsana” is not a limited liability company.

“Alsana” is not a partnership or professional partnership.

“Alsana” does not have its own separate existence.

“Alsana” did not take over or acquire Castlewood.

So, what exactly is “Alsana?”

A search of the Missouri Secretary of State’s records gives us the answer. A fictitious name certificate was filed on March 28, 2019. Quite simply, “Alsana” is merely a fictitious name.

Under Missouri law, the owner of a Fictitious Name Certificate must be disclosed.  “Alsana’s” Fictitious Name Certificate certainly identifies its owner, the entity which totally controls its overall operations. The entity which is in existence and only wears the Fictitious Name as a public, pasteboard mask. In this case, it should come as no surprise that the owner of Alsana, the owner of the Fictitious Name “Alsana” is …

Castlewood Treatment Center, LLC

Castlewood never went away. Castlewood has always been there, lurking in the shadows. Still profiting and sharing those proceeds with its private equity owner. Castlewood is the modern-day version of Keyser Soze, the quintessential antagonist in the 1995 movie, The Usual Suspects.

As for those “Alsana” Blog Articles going back as far as 2012 and the past employees who claim to have been employed at “Alsana” as far back as 2002? How can those articles be remotely accurate since Castlewood did not start the fictitious name “Alsana” until March 2019? Before that date, It did not exist at all.

Which raises the question, if “Alsana” cannot even be transparent about its name and existence, what can it be transparent about ? Especially since other patients are beginning to step forward.

Well, litigation may tell. On January 31, 2022, as attorney of record, I filed a lawsuit against Castlewood in the United States District Court for the Eastern District of Missouri.

Time may tell as to what this case ultimately reveals. It may result in closure that so many people so desperately need. However, it may also result in disappointment to those who seek justice.

What we do know is that the courtroom is a crucible in which all irrelevancies and subterfuge are burned away. What we are left with is the truth.

Truth that families can rely upon.

Truth that can sustain those who suffer from eating disorders.

Truth that can bring peace and comfort to some.

And Truth that can also bring something else …

Retribution, consequences and accountability to others.

Just when you think it cannot get worse…

[Castlewood continues to market itself to the general public as Alsana. That topic will be the subject of a future article. I will continue to refer to them as what they really are … Castlewood.]

As of Friday, December 17, 2021, despite having actual knowledge of Brittney Gibbs’ predatory nature, Gibbs remained an employee of Castlewood. An employee conducting group sessions. An employee conducting individual sessions. With your children. With your loved ones.

For approximately four (4) weeks:

Castlewood has had actual knowledge about Gibbs’ background.

Castlewood has had actual knowledge about the reprehensible acts committed by Gibbs.

Castlewood has had actual knowledge as to her horrific statements.

Castlewood has had actual knowledge that Gibbs likes to hurt people because it makes her feel good.

Castlewood has had actual knowledge that she has harmed patients at their St. Louis facility.

And Castlewood’s response?

It has publicly done … nothing.

To review, these were some of Gibbs’ statements just two years ago along with some of her very recent communications with patients at Castlewood:

“And proud of you for not listening or allowing your mother to tell you to continue to be abused. You have others supporting you and see what [Husband] is doing. They will in time but who cares.”

“You have to do what is right for you and your boys and that’s happy healthy peace love. [Husband] is none of that your doing.”

“Everything has to be strategic. There are no emotions when talking to him [Husband] strictly strategic to get full custody and spouse and child support.”

“Fuck love. Love hurts. Get a hobby.”

“Can you see if there’s a [arrest] warrant out?” [for the arrest of Gibbs]

“Apart of me is sad that I upset you becuz of my pain but that’s what I am practicing telling my friends when I’m drownin and I’m not perfect it gets dark sometimes I forget all the good I didn’t mean to scare you but I was honest you made me promise to do that.”

“I reflected and realized I hurt others on purpose because it makes me feel good.” … “There’s a darkness in me …”

“I can be toxic to the people I love.”

“I participated in the toxic behaviors I didn’t know any better, and sometimes I knew better but did not care.” “But, some days I hate myself, and I cause hell in other people’s lives.”

“One day I wont say things to people strictly to hurt them.”

“I became strong built from rage, and hate.”

That is the type of predator Castlewood is employing and refusing to fire. And now, Gibbs’ actions are escalating in that she is defying the legal system as she hopes to hide evidence of her reprehensible conduct and character.

Gibbs, while Castlewood’s employee, destroyed material evidence.

On November 23, 2021, Castlewood was advised through its attorneys about some of Gibbs’ reprehensible conduct. Demand was also made to preserve all electronic evidence and information. The preservation of this information is crucial to the litigation process. Especially since if a bad actor knows she has possession of damning information, they could do all within their power to hide or destroy this evidence.

The following demand was made:

“In order to protect any other patient who may have been, or who continues to be subjected to Ms. Gibbs’ mental and emotional abuse and implantation of repressed memories, demand is herein made for an immediate investigation into Ms. Gibbs, including having Ms. Gibbs turn over all of her social media posts, including but not limited to Tik Tok, Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, reddit, Tumblr, WhatsApp, YouTube, twitter, Pinterest, and others, text messages, recordings of telephone calls, emails and any and all communications she has had with patients of Castlewood or who may have had any contact or communications with her from the first day of her employment to date. Further, demand is made that Ms. Gibbs be prevented from erasing, changing, deleting or altering in any manner, any such communication.”

In  law, this demand is called a “spoliation notice.” When an attorney sends a spoliation letter you are putting the other party on notice that documents or items in their possession may be used to prove your claim and that they are, therefore, responsible for preserving them. In other words, you are notifying the other party of their duty not to destroy evidence. Failing to preserve these items after receiving such a notice will result in sanctions being imposed on the defendant and could give rise to the presumption that the evidence would have been harmful to their defense and instruction may be given to the jury to make such an adverse inference.

So, in response to the November 23 letter, what did Castlewood and Gibbs do? Instead of preserving all evidence, Gibbs first deleted her Tik Tok account. Her Tik Tok account allegedly contained numerous videos, some of which are directly related to the claims made.

Then, after the last article was published, Gibbs, while an employee of Castlewood escalated her bad faith conduct by deleting her Twitter account. Gibbs’ past misconduct and character flaws were set forth in her own articles on that Twitter account. So, contrary to the requirements of the legal system, Gibbs, while an employee of Castlewood destroyed relevant evidence.

Four (4) weeks have elapsed since the November 23 demand. Four (4) weeks to conduct an investigation. Four (4) weeks to determine whether the complaints have merit and take action. And yet, as of last Friday, Gibbs was still employed by Castlewood.

As such, there are only two (2) logical conclusions which can be drawn:

(1). That Castlewood conducted its investigation and determined that Gibbs’ conduct and statements did not merit her being supervised, suspended or fired, or;

(2). That Castlewood did not conduct any investigation at all.

If the first conclusion is applicable, then Castlewood stands behind Gibbs. Gibbs’ actions are Castlewood’s actions. She is the type of employee they welcome, and they believe she did nothing wrong. If the second conclusion applies, then Castlewood’s conduct is grossly negligent.

So, which is it?

Do they stand arm-in-arm with a predator whose strength is derived from hate and rage, a predator who hurts people because it makes her feel good, a person who destroys evidence? Or is Castlewood grossly negligent by not conducting an investigation and by such, continues to subject their patients to a predator?

Whichever is the case, the legal system will sort through Castlewood’s conduct. The legal system will determine Castlewood’s fate.

Certainly, the legal system knows how to handle treatment centers that are arrogant, blind, callous and who allow a predator to prey on the vulnerable. The eating disorder community may not know how to police its own. But, third parties, including the legal system, federal agencies and the Joint Commission do. And now it is Gibbs’ turn to be afraid. Gibbs, along with her employer, Castlewood have become the prey.

And certainly, I, along with the legal system, will show Castlewood the same amount of mercy that its predator employee showed to her victims, those persons she harmed.

Sine missione.

The phrase, ‘Here there be monsters’ was inscribed on old maps to indicate unchartered waters. According to some historians, ancient cartographers didn’t know what was out “there” before the great explorers had touched all parts of the globe. What was beyond the explored region remained a mystery. The assumption was there was something terrible waiting for them.

Monsters can be found in many different places and in many different shapes and forms. Predators who prey upon the weak, the vulnerable, our loved ones who are in pain. Sometimes, those predators are such that they seek to cause pain simply because it makes them feel good. They would watch the world burn if they could be ‘Queen of the Ashes.’ This reality requires our unrelenting vigilance. Especially in the mental health treatment arena.

On November 5, 2021, Michael Jacksa, a former therapist at Timberline Knolls pled guilty to criminal charges perpetrated against seven (7) patients at that facility. Seven (7) young women entrusted to the care of that facility. All of his victims were betrayed in the worst possible manner. And whereas the criminal cases are concluded, the horrific emotional scars left by this monster will undoubtedly linger for years.

With regard to mental health treatment, families entrust their most precious beloved treasures to treatment providers. The decision to place “your baby” into the hands of another to provide potentially life or death treatment is agonizing. There are so many doubts, fears and yes, guilt.

As such, families must be able to rely on the integrity, transparency and expertise of treatment centers. Families must rely upon the belief that these treatment centers carefully vet their employees; that they conduct thorough background checks to lessen the likelihood that a predator will be let loose upon vulnerable potential victims.

That is because predators know places where they can find deep pools of potential victims. Predators know where they can hunt the most vulnerable. A treatment center must be resolute in its process to protect our treasures entrusted to them. It must have sound policies and procedures in place to ensure that it is only employing the highest quality persons. The stakes are incredibly high. So, when a treatment center discovers, or is advised that a predator may be in its employee pool and has gained access to our loved ones, it must take immediate action. Its action must be swift, direct and decisive.

But, what if that treatment center is advised of a predator in its midst, but either elects to take no action or conducts only a rudimentary investigation, brushes off the complaint and allows the predator to continue to have access to our loved ones? Doesn’t that surely make the treatment center complicit in the predator’s conduct? And shouldn’t the consequences for the treatment center’s complicity be justifiably draconian?

As unlikely as that fact situation may appear to be, evidence suggests that that very circumstance is happening today. 

Castlewood/Alsana

On November 23, 2021, Castlewood/Alsana, through counsel, received correspondence which contained the following language:

“Be advised I represent Ms. Jane Doe and Ms. Jane Roe. Both were former patients at the Castlewood facility in St. Louis. Both were preyed upon by Ms. Brittney Gibbs, a therapist employed at Castlewood’s St. Louis facility.

Of the many hurdles, obstacles and life-threatening issues confronting persons suffering from severe eating disorders, being mentally, emotionally or sexually exploited by the very person from whom they seek help, guidance and sometimes even salvation is nothing short of reprehensible.

I am still investigating the claims. But, the facts about which I know leads to the conclusion that Castlewood is once again, employing a predator in the role of a therapist. In each instance, Ms. Gibbs convinced my clients that their respective spouses were the causes of trauma in their lives, that their spouses did not support them and that their lives would be much better if they moved on without their spouses. In each case, Ms. Gibbs established a “friendship” relationship with them after they left Castlewood. After leaving Castlewood, as a result of Ms. Gibbs’ horrific conduct, both patients separated from their spouses. Ms. Gibbs maintained a personal relationship with both patients.”

Documents corroborate those facts. Some of the communications from Ms. Gibbs include the following:

“And proud of you for not listening or allowing your mother to tell you to continue to be abused. You have others supporting you and see what [Husband] is doing. They will in time but who cares.”

“You have to do what is right for you and your boys and that’s happy healthy peace love. [Husband] is none of that your doing.”

“I realize and feel that I’m inputting too much of my opinion and I don’t want to jeopardize our progress in our relationship.”

“Can you see if there’s a warrant out?” [for the arrest of Gibbs]

“Everything has to be strategic. There are no emotions when talking to him [Husband] strictly strategic to get full custody and spouse and child support.”

“I was told to start doing guided meditation on Spotify cause of my voice by the clients and there trying to get me paid for what I do in groups as a side hustle…”

“If I can come back from losing my daughter, you can overcome food.”

“Apart of me is sad that I upset you becuz of my pain but that’s what I am practicing telling my friends when I’m drownin and I’m not perfect it gets dark sometimes I forget all the good I didn’t mean to scare you but I was honest you made me promise to do that.”

There are many other communications, damning communications, communications which will necessarily come out in the litigation process. But until then, we can speculate as to whether Castlewood/Alsana could have discovered the darkness within Ms. Gibbs before offering her employment. The answer to this issue is clearly yes.

Just two years before Castlewood/Alsana accepted Gibbs as an employee, Gibbs attempted to write some blog articles. These articles can be found here:

https://twitter.com/brittchanel29?lang=hi

Reviewing these blog articles, some of the more alarming statements made by Gibbs include the following:

“Fuck love. Love hurts. Get a hobby.”

“I reflected and realized I hurt others on purpose because it makes me feel good.” … “There’s a darkness in me …” [emphasis added]

“How aware are you of your past traumas and how they effect [sic.] the relationships you have in your life.”

“I sit here watching the little mermaid with her [her daughter] praying she doesn’t grow up, and hate me the way I feel towards my mom.”

“I can be toxic to the people I love.”

“I participated in the toxic behaviors I didn’t know any better, and sometimes I knew better but did not care.” “But, some days I hate myself, and I cause hell in other people’s lives.” [emphasis added]

“One day I wont say things to people strictly to hurt them.”

“I became strong built from rage, and hate.”

Castlewood/Alsana could have discovered these article by simply conducting a rudimentary google search … “Brittney Gibbs social media.” After reading the blog articles, any parent would be justified in asking whether this is the person you want responsible for saving their child’s life. Or whether a parent would want this person as far away from their child as possible.

What escalates this issue into the realm of defying belief is the fact that at the time Castlewood/Alsana unleashed this person on its patient population, Ms. Gibbs was still in training! It is unknown whether she was being supervised by any experienced therapist. Further, Ms. Gibbs is not eating disorder certified. When you review the persons she is following on Twitter (87 persons), not one person is involved in the eating disorder community. Not one respected clinician. Not one university professor. Not one organization.

Ms. Gibbs’ alarming content in the blog articles is reflected in her misconduct. And her misconduct has severely damaged at least two, vulnerable victims. And their family members, parents, grandparents, children, spouses.  Castlewood/Alsana let her loose on its patient population without thoroughly training her. And to exacerbate matters, despite being warned, Castlewood/Alsana, has upon information and belief done nothing.

On December 13, 2021, I was advised that Ms. Gibbs is still an employee of Castlewood/Alsana and still has access to your loved ones. TWENTY (20) DAYS AFTER BEING ADVISED OF SERIOUS ISSUES WITH GIBBS, CASTLEWOOD/ALSANA IS STILL ALLOWING GIBBS ACCESS TO PATIENTS, YOUR LOVED ONES.

I find it incredibly hard to believe that a treatment center can be so arrogant, so blind, so callous as to continue to let a predator prey on the vulnerable. Is that where the industry is now? Where is the outrage? Where is the accountability? Where are the consequences?

Or must we simply believe that as precious as our children, our loved ones are to us, to some, they are merely corporate commodities.

For as long as I can remember, Christmas has been a blessed, sacred, family time. As a child, and a sickly one at that, I remember sitting on the couch looking at the family Christmas tree. Along with my four siblings we threw icicles on the tree. (“One at a time! Hang one at a time!) The big, multi-colored light bulbs. Packages wrapped so beautifully.

The star on top of the tree lit with a big, white bulb. The Christmas Tree Star offering a shining path to a future filled with hope and promise. To a child there is such comfort, such joy in those nights tucked in safely at home, falling asleep on the couch, the lights from the tree providing warmth and security.

As adults, we embrace those cherished memories. We hope to pass those memories on to our beloved children. With the Christmas tree being such a strong symbol from my childhood, I wanted my children to experience that wonder, that hope for the future as I did. And so, we started the tradition of driving out to East Texas to a Christmas Tree Farm and sawing down our own tree.

Well, the first year, we learned a valuable lesson. A tree growing in the wild looks very different than when it is standing up in your living room. That first tree, we struggled to get it standing up. In part, because it looked like a big green, Rice Krispy square! Martha, the mother of our children, liked fat trees. This one was a green square.

So, the first night, we heard this crash, walked into the living room and saw the tree had fallen over. Thankfully, no ornaments had been placed on it.

The next day, as the tree was again leaning precariously, I called my dad. He came over, we got some baling wire, (everything in Texas can be fixed with duct tape and baling wire) put a couple of eyebolts into the wall and secured that tree to the wall! And so, that became an annual necessity.

Another point to remember … wild trees are filled with water. They weigh more than the raggedy trees at Lowe’s or Home Depot. Make sure the tree base is secure!

Our Christmas tree outings grew as we added families, their children and friends. At its height, we had two full sized busses going out to East Texas. Moms and Dads made merry by swilling Bloody Mary’s and Harvey Wallbangers, our noses aglow and filled with liquid courage were let loose with bow saws on unsuspecting trees.

And yet, the trees were magnificent. New ornaments either made by the kids, bought for the kids, or exchanged with loved ones were an incredible source of happiness and brought such bling to the tree. Years of collecting ornaments. And all was right with the world.

Well, life happens, families move away, divorces take their toll and Christmas tree farms become a memory. And yet, you still hold on to the precious ornaments. Memories of happier times, of loving times. And Christmas tree farms become a thing of the past, left for other families to experience and enjoy.

Now we still had a Christmas tree every year. But, they were the raggedy ones from Lowe’s and Home Depot. However, each year you continue to tell those stories of years past going to tree farms, finding that perfect tree and having it be the light of joy, the light of love in your home. The stories become more grand each year as you run across new friends, friends with younger children, friends who want to experience “the magic.”

You have a Significant Other who, after hearing your stories for a few years, finally says … “Enough! I have not been. I want to go to a farm.” Your friends tell you how excited their children are to experience that magic. And so …

Sunday, November 28, 2021 you find yourself returning to a Christmas Tree farm. You search briefly and find … the Tree. A big tree. A very big tree.

And new lessons are about to be learned.

I now believe that maybe wild trees have a certain “life force” within them. They do not want to be taken out of the ground! So at home, after getting help with the base, straightening the tree, I stood it up … or so I thought. I had barely moved when the tree reached out, began to tip over and fell directly on me! Well, no harm no foul. Or so I thought.

So, I tried to stand it up once again. Majestically it rose and stilled. You step back  … and it once again fell. Again, on you.

Now, I am a man. Which means I can be dumb and determined at the same time.  But, this time I call my son and ask him to come over and help with this tree from hell. He does, we put it so it is sturdy in the base. And it is majestic! 9 ½ feet of aromatic, natural, Christmas tree greatness.

I let the tree drink up water for a day and then, put on the lights. The tree is as sturdy as the Rock of Gibraltar! 1300 lights illuminating the tree. (Hint, you always put the lights on the inside of the tree so it shines from the inside out and illuminates the ornaments from behind.)

Now to carefully unwrap your precious memories, the ornaments. You find the perfect place on the tree. Reminders of past love. Reminders of precious lives having been taken. You smile as you  look at the ornaments your children made at a very early age. Crayons on paper, a baby’s hand print. You remember those years when you and your daughter decorated the tree together. An incredible bonding experience. And whereas all may not be right with the world, the memories of love sustain you.  And then …

Sunday, December 5, 2021. At 2:15 p.m., you are going to Dallas Love Field airport to pick up a struggling angel who is going to regain her life at ERC Dallas. You have spoken with her a number of times and are happy that you get to help her in a very small way on her journey. So, you pick up around the house, sweeping floors, cleaning bathrooms. When you are in the great room with your back to the Christmas tree, you hear a loud CRASH!

That crash is the sound of glass breaking. Behind you. And … you know, you just know. You turn around and see that once again, the Christmas tree has fallen. You did not hear the sound of the tree itself. Instead you heard the crashing, the destruction of your precious memories, the ornaments. You are overcome with anguish, with anger, with dread at the shattering of your memories.

All rationality has left. Your pain is poured out in front of you in plain sight. For you to see. And then hot, uncontrolled, irrational rage grips you.

You scream at your Creator, you cry out admitting you have made many mistakes in your life, you have committed many sins, but how much longer must you remain in God’s doghouse? You yell that you have tried to pay your debt by helping others, by trying to save lives. You have paid for your sins with the dearest blood possible. And you ask God how much more does he demand from you. Tears flow.

When you come back into the room, you see your saint of a partner, sweeping up the broken shards.

You see the tree still lying on the floor. Pain still has you in its grip. And through it all, you are reminded that you have to regain some semblance of sanity since the airport awaits.

You drag the “Tree From Hell” outside. Water is soaked up from the floor. Shards of glass are swept up. You go outside, take “Satan’s Shrub,” stand it up and tie it to the arbor. You try not to look too closely at which ornaments are broken.

The house quickly is put in relative order. And so to the airport you go. Upon arriving, you show up at baggage claim, your angel recognizes you and comes directly to you (and your partner.)

From the very first second, there is an ease, a familiarity. She again tells you how she and her family found you. She expresses her sorrow for my daughter being taken. But right from the start, you see anxiety, you see “real” fear in her eyes. So instead of going to the hotel, you all agree to go back to your house. On the way home, you tell her in a light hearted way about the fall of Satan’s Shrub. She laughs and says, that’s ok.

Once home, she unpacks a few items, knowing that she will be going to the hotel that night and then checking into the treatment center the next morning. She goes outside and spends some time talking to her family and then comes back into the house.

She then spends the next 90 minutes telling her story, talking about her struggles and eating disorder. It had not dawned on me until just now, but during those 90 minutes, not one time did I think of Satan’s Shrub.

An alarm goes off on her phone and she simply says, “That is a reminder to her that it is time to eat.” So, we go to a Tex-Mex restaurant. Much to my happiness, the medical director of the treatment center which will be saving her life has become a dear friend, lives nearby and agrees to take time away from her family to meet us at the restaurant. Now imagine, you are going into treatment, again, you are frightened, in an unfamiliar city, and the person overseeing the treatment center agrees to meet you in an informal setting.

The conversation at the restaurant was insightful, hopeful. Fears were discussed, expectations were talked about. And in those eyes which had only reflected anxiety and fear, you could start to see the vestiges of … hope. And again, during that time, not one time did I think of Satan’s Shrub.

Upon our return to the house, we asked if she wanted to stay at our house instead of a cold, sterile hotel. You could sense the relief wash over her as she accepted our offer with gratitude. And so, she and I stayed up until midnight, talking, laughing, a few tears flowing.

The next day, I took her to the treatment center and helped her admission process. I got to participate in the admission group session. And yes, the fear and anxiety were still in her eyes. But, she was in a place where the eating disorder demon could at last be exorcised. And I looked at her with such hope, with such respect, with such admiration.

Upon returning home, I looked at Satan’s Shrub outside and the ornaments which were left. I looked at the ornaments, again and again. And then it dawned on me. The ornaments which were shattered and which were now gone were the more expensive, pretty, glass ornaments purchased in years past. Christopher Radko creations. Bright, delicate ornaments.

However, the ornaments which survived the fall of Satan’s Shrub were the least expensive ones, the free ones. And most importantly, the ornaments made by my children when they were oh so young! The ornaments made by the creativity and passion of day care workers. Photos of my dear children on these small pieces of paper with a hook at the top. Memories had not been destroyed. In fact, in looking at what ornaments survived, greater memories came flooding back. Memories of a baby’s laughter. Of the innocence of my children. Of love.

And it is only now that I am beginning to understand the incredible gift that was given to me this year. A renewed understanding of that which is so incredibly important to the heart and soul. A renewed understanding of  love which is branded on your heart by your children. It is not found in shiny, expensive ornaments. That understanding had been locked away. It needed to come out.

But, it took the fall of Satan’s Shrub. It took the anxiety and fear in the eyes of a young person in such pain and her still clinging to the narrowest of threads which promised a future of hope and love. It took those incredibly precious events happening at the right time, in the right place to shatter false beliefs as to “that which is important and beautiful” to bring a light of understanding to this old heart.

And so, Satan’s Shrub did not belong outside. Satan’s Shrub taught me an important, albeit painful lesson. A valuable lesson. Satan’s Shrub gave me a gift of renewed insight. That struggling angel gave e the gift of hope, of compassion, of remembering what is important. Satan’s Shrub could not remain outside. So, back inside it came. The least I could do was to bring it back into the family and let it serve its true purpose.

Satan’s Shrub no longer exists. It never did. Instead, I have a Christmas tree. As it always has been and was meant to be. As it was in my childhood. As it is today.

And perhaps, it is the best tree I have ever had.

Last week marked three (3) watershed moments in the eating disorder community. Three moments characterized by:

The very definition of courage, resiliency and strength.

Intelligence, commitment, determination and hope for the future.

And finally, a chance for a fresh start for a greater tomorrow.

Three separate events impacting the eating disorder community to its very core. Three events which can, and should have far reaching consequences and ramifications for the future. A better future. A future in which our loved ones afflicted with this illness have greater hope.

Courage and Strength take down a Predator

Seven women patients in a residential treatment facility alleged that between December 2017 and June 2018, Michael Jacksa, a therapist employed by that facility, engaged in “inappropriate sexual behavior” during therapy sessions at the facility. Prior to the last victim stepping forward, Jacksa faced a total of 62 charges from six different cases, including charges of criminal sexual assault and criminal sexual abuse.

Jacksa was accused of committing heinous sexual abuses; patients say the therapist digitally penetrated their buttocks and vaginas, placed his hands beneath their clothing, fondled their breasts and forced them to give him oral sex.

Last Friday, November 5, 2021, Jacksa pled guilty to criminal charges perpetrated against all seven (7) of his victims. Seven (7) young women entrusted to the care of that facility. All of his victims were betrayed in the worst possible manner. And whereas, the criminal cases are concluded, the horrific emotional scars left by this subhuman monster will undoubtedly linger for years.

The legal system does not make it easy for victims to stand up and be counted. Demands are made of those victims. In some cases, having to relive the trauma. And yet, those seven (7) young souls stood up in court, many still in the grip of their eating disorder despair, looked that monster in his eyes, told him how he had so wounded them. How he had betrayed them. How he had violated them. But, how he had failed in destroying them.

The civil cases against the treatment center, the monster and others are still pending. Monetary damages will undoubtedly be paid to Jacksa’s victims. But, their mental and emotional damage will linger.

Betrayal of our most vulnerable cannot be tolerated. Treatment centers must step up their vetting process and background checks to decrease, if not eliminate outright, the likelihood that predators like Michael Jacksa will ever be able to prey upon our sons and daughters again.

And to Jacksa’s victims, stay strong, stay resolute. You have endured so much. You will overcome the obstacles placed before you. YOU will overcome. Because you have shown more courage and strength than most people in the eating disorder industry or community can possibly fathom. YOU define having resolve. YOU define strength. YOU define courage.

Legacy of Hope

On Thursday, November 4, 2021, the Journal of Eating Disorders published an article entitled, “The Legacy of Hope Summit: A consensus-based initiative and report on eating disorders in the U.S. and recommendations for the path forward.” This article showcased a consensus based report on eating disorders.

Between January 24 through 26, 2020, some of the foremost recognized experts in the eating disorder industry and community assembled in Dallas, Texas at their own expense. Research scientists. Medical doctors. Chief Executive Officers of eating disorder organizations. Craig Johnson. Elissa Myers. Carrie McAdams. Carolyn Costin. Carolyn Becker. So many others. A veritable “Who’s Who” in the industry. Other professionals attended via Zoom calls. Its motto was, “Many Voices – One Hope; Healing.”

It was the brainchild of and organized by Don Blackwell. Mr. Blackwell has been a stalwart advocate in the eating disorder community for many years. His book, “Letters to Ashley” has been read by many. He spoke at a number of NEDA conferences and other events.

The Legacy of Hope focused on five (5) separate work groups: (I) Prevention, Early Detection, and Intervention; (II) Accessibility, Affordability, and Accountability; (III). Standards of Care; (IV) Research and Research Funding, and; (V) Advocacy, Education, and Legislation. Each section contained an overview of the status quo for each topic area, a Consensus Point, and a list of goals and strategies.

The Legacy of Hope demonstrated a new era of cooperation, collaboration, communication and greater wisdom. By being published, it is now available to all. This report may very well be the new treatise on eating disorder treatment and evidence based practices. Undoubtedly, it will require revisions and amendments.

Those professionals who contributed to this report demonstrated intelligence, commitment, determination and hope for the future. Hope for all of us.

A Fresh Start – NEDA

As many people know, I was one of the attorneys who filed a lawsuit against NEDA in December 2020. NEDA employed a very reputable attorney to represent its interests. In May 2021, we went to mediation and reached an equitable resolution.

On Wednesday, November 3, 2021, a Stipulation of Dismissal was filed which ended the case and brought closure to the lawsuit. And so, this begs the question, where does NEDA go from here? “Business as usual” is not an option not just for NEDA, but is not an option for any organization, foundation or business.

Covid-19 has laid bare the fragility of not just life, but the manner in which society conducts itself. Whereas we may have previously thought of ourselves as safe, our future relatively secure, the plans for our tomorrows relatively safe and secure, something so small the eye cannot even see it, showed our wrong we were.

I sincerely hope that NEDA comes out of Covid-19 stronger than ever. That it overcomes the obstacles placed before it. That it fulfills the incredible promise and potential it has to help families and save lives. I hope it is guided by wisdom. By vision.  That it finds the courage and strength demonstrated by those seven (7) victims of Jacksa.

Transparency. Emphasis on those whose needs are the greatest. NEDA can accomplish some incredible deeds. The future is in front of it.

As it is for all of us.

Saturday October 30, 2021 marked the five (5) year date upon which my beloved daughter Morgan, drew her last breath. I was holding her hand that dark night. Her brother, my son, was in the room. And then at 11:31 p.m., the physician’s assistant gently whispered, “She’s gone.”

Until the end of my days, that dark, horrible night will remain a personal tragedy. What makes that tragedy sting on a deeper level is having to acknowledge the reality that the world has moved on. Morgan’s friends have moved on as surely they must. They have started their own families. To the eating disorder community, Morgan is merely a statistic and pretty much a forgotten statistic at that. However, to her daddy, she is the catalyst for my soul connecting with me.

In acknowledging that the world has moved on, different thoughts of life, the living and the manner in which we face life swirl through those “little gray cells” as the fictional, Belgian detective, Hercule Poirot was wont to say.

When an annual death day arrives, a parent knows that that day will certainly bring sadness as memories come flooding back. You wonder “what if?” What children would they have brought into the world? What joy and happiness would they have experienced? What greatness would have been within their grasp? Not surprisingly, you don’t think, “oh no, what if they would have turned out to be a serial axe murderer!?”

That day you walk a razor’s edge of emotion … the slightest nudge can send one falling into a chasm of despair. And yet, life, the endless possibilities that life seems to offer, keep finding ways to intervene, to keep one walking on that razor’s edge.

In the last week, my younger brother James told me he is flying to Tahiti on October 30 for a well-deserved vacation with his wife. He said he remembered it is Morgan’s commemoration day. I then told him that Morgan would love if you took her ashes you have, and spread them someplace beautiful in Tahiti or in that great ocean. I hear him choke up a bit and he then says, I was going to ask you if it was alright if I did just that. Five years have elapsed. It’s time for her to see more of the world, to become part of it in different places.

October 30 continues. Hanford, my son, has started his own Halloween tradition with his family. Along with his wife, Rebeca, their child, Riley and my other beautiful granddaughter, Kennedy, they put on Halloween movies (this year it was the Nightmare in Longhorn Football Land). They carve their own jack-o-lanterns. Morgan’s mom, Martha, was in attendance bringing Italian food and the pumpkins. The laughter, then the concentration as they carved intricate patterns, the inevitable mistakes, a bowl full of “pumpkin innards” ultimately resulted in masterpieces.

PIC

Life with the living. Laughter and love. Keeping painful thoughts of missing the one who is physically not there in a safer place. Yes, thinking how much Morgan would have loved … or hated, carving pumpkins. How can those thoughts of her not exist? After all, she is permanently in my heart. But, laughter and love kept sadness at bay for the time being. And yet, the day was not yet over, not by a long shot.

I am currently squatting in a beautiful house (thanks Patti!) in a non-gated, well-tended, small community that is seeing a turnover of its residents. From Blue Hairs and Non-Hairs like me to younger families with babies and small children. The joy and wonder of sweet, innocent children. On October 30, at 5:00 o’clock, a trick or treating parade was organized by the local HOA. Which brought back memories of childhood decades ago. And memories of Halloweens spent with my children.

Armed with a basket of candy (and yes, only the good ones, like Reese’s and peanut M&Ms and Snickers) we sat on Adirondack chairs in front of the house. With a cigar and bourbon in hand, we await the onslaught of urchin and munchkins. And surely they came.

From babies in carriages, to younglings barely able to walk, an army of Batmen, butterflies, spider men, costumes from all walks of a fantasy life approached. Eventually, I sat on the curb with the basket of candy, having them reach in to get their own share. Laughing as some tentatively reached in and took only one (“That’s ok … you really can have more than one!”) to others who reached in an pulled out handfuls at a time. Looking up and seeing the surprised and horrified look on their parents’ face brought such laughter. And in those beautiful children’s eyes, I saw the absolute best that life has to offer. A future filled with love and hope.

The children basking in the glow of free candy brought thoughts of past Halloweens with Morgan. Morgan’s eyes filled with wonder and laughter. But, before I have a chance to be consumed by a tsunami of pain, more children walk up and one says, “YAY, THE DRAGON IS OUT TODAY!”

We have about a 9 foot inflatable dragon I bought about 4 years ago. Every Halloween (and sometimes during the Christmas season, it has made its appearance). Its wings slowly flapping. Glowing red eyes. A stomach which looks to be on fire. And then the dear children looking at it with joy and yes, one even had fear.

One mom said, “we drive by your house every day and when the dragon is not inflated, I tell my daughter the dragon is taking a nap.” A number of adults and children commented on how much they love the dragon. Something so simple. Something which brought such joy to the younglings. Smiles. Laughter. Is life bringing a modicum of peace to an anguished soul?

Darkness starts to descend and night time approaches. I remember that dark night five years ago when frantic calls of “Code Blue” blared so loudly. A harbinger signaling that death was arriving. But, tonight?

We have some dear friends who live about 15 houses a way. He is a genius, mad scientist who is inventing AI which is going to enslave and/or kill all humankind. She is an outgoing event planner, full time mom and bon vivant. They take Halloween very seriously. This year, their family was dressed as the Addams Family and as you can see, their house was decorated full tilt. Saturday night, October 30, they were throwing a costume party. We were obliged to go.

I decide to dress in black, including the black hat and sunglasses. When asked, I will say I am channeling Johnny Cash, or Robert Oppenheimer (“I am become Death, the Destroyer of Worlds”) or Joe Black (from the movie). We show up early and hob nob a bit. And yet, I really just want to be left alone with my own thoughts and feelings. Unfortunately for me, the universe has other plans.

Our dear neighbors have two daughters, one of whom has incredible musical talent and can discern subtle spices and flavors in food at 14 years old. The other daughter is this precocious, out-going, bold 9 year old. This girl has no fear, is in your face and is already grabbing life by the lapels. We have a very nice connection because she is emotionally and mentally more mature than I am.

And so, any thought of being alone with dark thoughts and sadness rapidly go out the window. Especially since they are dog sitting a Scottish Terrier. So, the 9 year old and the dog, who are close friends now are embedded in my world. Go outside and stand next to the pool? I am found. Go to another part of the backyard? Uh, yeah … no. Found. Go inside into a separate room. Ha! This incredibly, sweet, innocent, beautiful child is not going to let me be alone with sadness. She doesn’t know that of course. I hope one day to be able to explain to her what a gift she was that night. But, certainly the day is not evolving as I thought it would … and feared.

But, I am a guy. Which means, I have not yet grasped what is happening around me. I think I can still control my destiny this day. I am the master of my domain. The King of the Castle. The Lord of the County.  Uh …. No.

Home at last. I can be alone with my thoughts and feelings. Instead, I set up the new projector to watch a movie outside. Bring out the cigars and bourbon again! It’s drive in movie time! Patti is there of course.

The movie “42” comes up on my feed. The inspirational story of Jackie Robinson overcoming all odds. His strength. His courage. His facing adversity with resolve. And with grace. Having watched that, obstacles seem less formidable. And I am reminded of the power of “One.”

I then find Morgan’s Celebration/Funeral on YouTube. I find the aria, “O Mio Babbino Caro,” which was sung that day. I play it and allow the tears to come as Patti sits next to me. By now, it is 11:25 p.m. Six minutes to go. At last, time for me to be alone. NOW, I can mourn properly, dammit. Like I am supposed to!

I go into my home office and close the door. But, before I can even sit down at the desk, feelings, emotions, thoughts come… I have not been alone all day. I have been surrounded by love. By laughter. By sweet, innocent children. By people who care. By people who love. So much has strengthened and bolstered me all day. And I know that I am not alone. That I am no longer meant to observe 11:31 by myself. And so, I leave that “aloneness” behind. Perhaps, once and for all times.

I open the office door, find Patti of course, and we start to talk. I watch the clock as 11:31 approaches. It then … arrives. I certainly remember those words which froze my heart, “She’s gone.” I am hugged. But, those words, “She’s gone.”

It was not until the next day, as I am being a conduit for this posting, that I understand the words, “She’s gone,” do not stand alone. Nor do I. Now, the words which follow, “She’s gone,” become clear. They become a greater call to action.

The words which follow, “She’s gone,” are … “and what are you going to do about it?” What am I going to do about it?

A father filled with steely resolve. Whose soul has connected with him. Certainly, a flawed man. But, a daddy with a purpose. With decades of legal experience behind him. With the power of the court system at his command. Who has been pounded and beaten and forged by the hottest fire. And who knows he is not alone.

Resolved. Driven. Power and inspiration from a daughter taken far too soon. She’s gone. And now … what am I going to do about it?

Another rotation around Old Sol.

Another birthday. Natal Day. Name Day. The day our mothers went through pain, sometimes incredible pain, to bring another life into this world. Our life.

Our children are our greatest hope for better tomorrows. As parents, we want to leave the world a better place than what it was when we came into it. Some people attempt to achieve this through their own deeds. Others look to leave their legacy through their children.

And western society wants to tie it up into a neat, tidy bow. For many of us, we work for others for decades, grinding away. We hope to make enough money to keep a roof over our heads, food in our belly, have enough money to live “comfortably in retirement” and give our children a fair start at a greater tomorrow. The American Dream.

After decades have passed and when we turn 67 years old, we may get an imitation gold watch, our co-workers, most of whom we never really get to know, try to acknowledge a work life “well lived.” They then look upon us as we walk out of the office door for the last time with a combination of envy … and perhaps fear.

We are … retired.

So, what does retired actually mean? We no longer punch a clock as we walk into work? We no longer have to work a minimum of 40 hours a week? We now have free time on our hands to do … what? Do we go quietly into that good night?

But, the reality is a life at 67 years old today is far different than our parents’ generation. 67 years old has very little in common with our grandparents’ generation.

As we look back upon our lives, many of us wonder, what became of our life? Have I made a difference? Is that even important? Are our children happy? Did our parents tell us enough times that they loved us?

Today, I complete my 62^nd (or is it 63^rd ?) rotation around the sun. The number of chronological years is simply a number that society imposes upon us. Society tell us it may be time to start to slow down. Biologically, we are not as spry as we once were. [However, for men, we now have 3 different pills to address that and absent those pills, we have 2 popsicle sticks and duct tape to compensate!]

Society can only measure the number of rotations we have completed around the sun. Society cannot measure the more intangible, the incorporeal aspects of our life.

Society cannot measure our emotional age. 

Society cannot measure our mental age.

Society cannot measure our spiritual age.

Society cannot measure our maturity level.

Society cannot measure when we have found our true calling … and when our soul connects with us.

As for me, I have lived most of my adult life as a man-child. Vacuous. Shallow. Superficial. Self-absorbed. You could measure my soulfulness by the thimbleful. But … no more.

Five years ago this October 30^th, my soul connected with me. A person far, far greater, far more insightful, far wiser, left my existence. Five years ago this October 30^th, the blinders were lifted.

I feel more driven, more insightful (I hope), more wise, more compassionate, more energized than I ever have. I do not know what the future will bring. But, I will boldly stride ahead, with strength, with resolve, with passion and with the knowledge that many others support our shared vision, our shared dreams.

And so, today … I thank you for the birthday well wishes and acknowledgements. But, as a birthday (or name day) present you may give to me, instead, I ask something of you.

If your mother is still with you, give her a call. Tell her … thank you! Thank you for bringing you into this incredible life. Tell her you love her. Tell her you only want to make her proud.

If you have children, give them a big hug. Give them a kiss. No matter their age. Tell them that they are the single, most important thing to you. Tell them your souls are connected.

For those who wish me happy birthday today, thank you. But, I urge you to embrace your family, your loving family. Tell them you love them.

THAT … is the best birthday gift you can give to me.

THAT … is the best birthday gift you can give to yourself.