Tag Archives: life

Father’s Day and Tribes

Yesterday was Father’s Day.

A day upon which we remember, and hopefully honor our fathers. To acknowledge their lives and their contributions to our lives. To thank them for the indelible bond they formed with us when we were children.

Fathers are our first role model.  And by that, it could mean a very good, productive, strong role model.  Or possibly … not.

Many times, our path in life is initially shaped by our fathers. This could include our chosen profession. Our outlook on love, happiness and life. Ideally, we learn how to treat and honor our future partners by observing how our father interacted and engaged with our mother.

Many times, our views on education, on work ethic, on morality, on our leisure activities are shaped by our fathers. They support us when we are down. They share in our victories and our sorrows. Being the disciplinarian when needed. And perhaps, teaching us that life is hard. That we will fail early and often. But failing is not the important thing. So long as we embrace the need to pick ourselves up after each fall, learn from it, and use that to become wiser and bolder.

Collaboration and shared parenting with our mothers cannot be understated in terms of importance. From each, we learn something different. Something important.  And without that shared perspective on life, so too our own views on life can be rendered incomplete, or biased, or less enlightened and evolved.

In fact, the evidence is overwhelming … children are more likely to thrive— behaviorally and academically, and ultimately in the labor market and adult life—if they grow up with the advantages of a two-parent home. Numerous academic studies confirm that children raised in married parent homes are less likely to get in trouble in school or with the law; they are more likely to graduate high school and college; they are more likely to have higher income and be married themselves as adults. Research suggests that boys are especially disadvantaged by the absence of dads from their homes. These facts are indisputable.

And doesn’t that pertain to everything in life? A balance in friends, in work colleagues, in associates? Differing, yet intelligent views being debated respectfully. Being open to the endless possibilities in life that are before us. Without that diversity of thought, that diversity of wisdom, the views and perspectives that our dads brought to us, views very different than that brought by our mothers, we are incomplete. We are more likely to settle back into the comfort of those who think exactly like us, act like we do, have the same viewpoints and outlook on all issues. We become tribal.

It is inevitable that one of two manifestations occur in a tribe. One, we become complacent and lazy in our thinking and exploration. We only look for circumstances which support our tribe’s beliefs. After all, we are safe within our tribe. We do not need to expand our horizons. The group mentality predominates. We are correct on all issues within our tribe. 

The second manifestation is we become warlike. Because we are right, because we believe we are just, because we believe our tribe is all powerful, because we believe our views are the absolute best for society, we must impose our views on society as a whole. After all, it is for the common good. Our tribe knows best. And society WILL comply with our views.

This is particularly true in the eating disorder community and its tribe. Now make no mistake, these are two very different groups of people.

The eating disorder community consists of those families, husbands, wives, dads, moms, sons, daughters, brothers, sisters … people who are struggling with eating disorders. Those who are doing the suffering, the living and the dying.

But what constitutes the eating disorder community tribe? This tribe largely consists of women who tend to be politically and socially very far left; extremist in their disregard of medical sciences and related objective standards and criteria; wishing to enforce their view of centering persons based on the color of their skin or the larger product of mass and gravitational force applied instead of prioritizing those who are the most gravely ill; spewing forth their ideological blather regardless of accuracy and integrity knowing that the likelihood of adverse repercussions for their misconduct and irrational belief system is inconsequential.

As for dads and this eating disorder community tribe, observation and experience teach us that for the most part, dads are verboten … not welcome. Routinely dads are ostracized, forsaken, ignored, pushed aside, back stabbed. Unless of course that dad kowtows to the tribe’s uncompromising extremist views and meekly complies with the tribe’s dictates.

I could, once again, set forth the overwhelming facts and statistics supporting this opinion, as I did in this past article:

https://adadsjourneywitheatingdisorders.home.blog/2019/08/05/mobilize-the-marginalized-members/

But what would be the point? Again, those are simply statistics, facts, reason and logic. But the eating disorder tribe does not base its mania upon facts, reason and logic. Its mania embraces over the top emotionalism and self-loathing. Instead of debating and discussing complex biological, genetic and societal structures and proposing workable solutions, the tribe simply slaps a label on an issue, lifts high their pitchforks and burning torches and declares victory.

And the eating disorder community is worse off for that.

In the second part of this missive, we will look at the ramifications on eating disorders which have resulted from the attitudes and misconduct of the eating disorder community tribe. It is likely to not be pretty especially since we will look at facts, logic and reason.

But never forget, we dads persevere. We have resolve and resiliency. Yes, at times and ok, more often than not, we need direction. But we undertake tasks with passion, strength and determination.

Up until now, the eating disorder community tribe has acted with impunity, without interference or push back from dads. No longer.

That needs to end. For the sake of all.

Kintsugi

The tragic reality regarding eating disorders is that every objective, fact-based study and research paper indicates the number of persons afflicted with eating disorders, the severity of those eating disorders, and the mortality rate for persons afflicted with eating disorders are at the highest level we have ever known. In short, more people are suffering and more people are dying. And yet, no accountability is being taken. No consequences are being enforced. Honest answers to difficult and pointed questions are avoided or are non-existent.

There are undoubtedly many causes for that grim reality. Unfortunately, part of that reality must be laid at the feet of the eating disorder therapist mind set — group think currently infesting and harming the community.

In general, when many therapists are asked about the cause of the alarming reality, they point fingers at Covid, and “diet culture,” and fat phobia and white supremacy and weight discrimination and the patriarchy and ableism and healthism and every “ism” know to humankind.

However, where do most therapists refuse to point any fingers?  What will not be investigated? The answer quite simply is … themselves. There is no push back let alone accountability. Conflicts of interest ignored. Patients also being utilized as employees. Narcissism. In the name of social justice, reduced priority given to those who suffer and their families. And that is the “most unkindest cut of all.”

Make no mistake … there are some incredibly erudite, insightful, wise, compassionate and inspirational therapists. They are more than deserving of our gratitude, admiration and respect. But they are far too few and far too unknown. And that leads to tribal mentality and questionable mind sets and programs.

For example, a new proposed, certification program for eating disorders, not even in its infancy and not accredited by anyone, starts to roll out its program not by discussing eating disorders, nor their serious nature, nor the many complex factors and issues involved nor the incomprehensibly horrific mortality rate.  No. This program starts out by addressing “Indigenous Peoples’ Land Use Acknowledgement” and how you can reach out to groups supporting that “very important aspect of eating disorders.”

Because nothing says “this certification program is a very serious, hard-hitting, science based, evidence rich program designed to effectively address eating disorders in the 21st Century” than leading right out of the gate addressing Indigenous Peoples’ Land Use Acknowledgement! And the people who thought that would be an incredibly good idea are … therapists?

My initial response was going to expose the absurd nature of that messaging and its irrelevancy to eating disorders. In a very direct and blunt manner. But then sometimes, a different message comes to us in the most unexpected way.  And in being open to that messaging and the wonders of the multiverse, we perhaps start to see and realize alternate ways of thinking, feeling and believing.

For there can be beauty in the broken.

Kintsugi is a Japanese art form that repairs broken pottery with gold, rendering a new piece more exquisite than it was before the break. It literally means “to join with gold.”

Katherine and Jay Wolf, in their book, Suffer Strong, state:

“The story of kintsugi—this style of pottery—may be the most perfect embodiment of all our trauma-shattered lives… Instead of throwing away the broken beloved pottery, we’ll fix it in a way that doesn’t pretend it hasn’t been broken but honors the breaking—and more so, the surviving—by highlighting those repaired seams with gold lacquer. Now the object is functional once again and dignified, not discarded. It’s stronger and even more valuable because of its reinforced, golden scars.”

An article written by Vaneetha Risner beautifully states, “Rather than trying to hide the damage, kintsugi highlights the repair. The imperfections are what make it beautiful and valuable. A broken piece that is put back together has more of a story, seems more authentic and real, is stronger and more resilient than something that has stayed pristine.”

“God is the restorer, the kintsugi Master who skillfully and tenderly puts the broken pieces of our lives back together.”

Kintsugi. Kintsugi.

And so, regarding that attempted new, broken certification program, roll it back, revise it, edit it.  Consult with intelligent people who disagree with you. Collaborate with professionals from throughout the community not just those in your tribe. There is gold for you to use in addressing the flaws in the program. Find the gold and utilize it. Mold it and make something better. And most importantly, always remember…  IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU!

Therapists … You are merely the messengers. It is about the families who are suffering from eating disorders.  And when your child is suffering, you simply want them to heal, to embrace the richness of life.

Now, I don’t like to think of our suffering children as being “broken.” Perhaps, bent a bit. Fractured perhaps. But from those hardships, those obstacles, from deprivation, from fear and hurt and anger can come … healing. Enlightenment. Beauty. Resiliency and strength. Kintsugi.

Our therapists, those whom we entrust to help save the lives of our children, must embrace the concept of kintsugi. You must be wiser, more insightful, get past your preconceptions, your own fears, your own inner turmoil. Instead of believing you have all the answers, know that you absolutely do not. But you can get closer to a place of healing by opening your hearts, your minds, your souls to the wisdom of others.

Take the broken. And make it more beautiful than it ever was before.

Kintsugi.